August 6, 2000

It's quarter after eleven and I'm taking a break, eating cold chicken and macaroni salad. I'm starving! Must be this big ol' baby in my belly. I put Kate to sleep at 8. What a blissful three hours it's been! When she goes to sleep early it is such a nice treat for me.

I've been up sewing, finally finishing up some projects that have taken way too long. These past few weeks it seems I've had to really come to terms with wanting to do more than I can realistically do. I had hoped to have these two dresses done probably six weeks ago, and I have a list about ten items long of things I'd like to sew up before the baby gets here. I also have a list of organizing and gathering that I'd like to get done before the baby is born. It seems my list is never finished, and that I'm always beating myself up for not getting "enough" done.

Lately I've been asking myself: what is "enough"? Why am i putting so much pressure on myself to "do"? Why do i feel so incredibly happy when i cross an item off my "to-do" list?

I've been thinking that I am too focused on to-do's. on achieving and accomplishing. It doesn't matter that i am no longer the bright, shining academic star, acing the SAT's and getting A's in college. So I'm a stay at home mom. I have still found ways to put pressure on myself, to set up goals that are often unrealistic, and then to feel stressed and anxious when I can't achieve them, or when they take longer than I'd like to accomplish. And I'm working in some capacity on three small business ventures...so I'm really a working mom. Sometimes I wish I could be "just" a mom...but then I'd be setting myself up with all kinds of "mom" things to do.

So lately I am trying to live with the long lists, and hope that eventually, the lists will get shorter, or won't matter as much. I think this pregnancy has helped me to slow down -- as did my first. At the end my body just signals that it's time to go slower and to take care of myself. It's a great lesson for me. the weird thing is, the slower I go, the more energy I have for the things I do work on during my days. I feel more relaxed, spend more time with my amazing two-year-old daughter, let the housework go a little...and then in the hour or two I have to focus on a project, I get a lot more done because my mind is more open to the task. And here I go...back to the emphasis of "getting things done." Why am i so preoccupied with accomplishing?

Accepting. I'm working on accepting whatever comes my way. Accepting that I've sewed for about ten hours total in the past month, even though my business is sewing. That's okay. I've been busy living life, spending time with my mom and brothers, tending to my daughter and watching her grow, nourishing a life growing inside me. I accept that I have had little tasks for our other businesses that have languished all summer. They may languish all winter as well -- there will be a new baby to hold and nurse, after all.

Part of me wishes that I could stop multitasking for a while, just have one thing on my plate at a time. The new baby, and that's ALL. Maybe that's where the urge to slow down comes from. I've seen a person go from totally new and unformed to independent, busy, and full of language in these past two years. It went too fast. I really want to stop crossing things off my list and just sit and hold my baby for a while.